If I could describe 2025 as a person, I think it would be a dancing tutor or a choreographer. At first, she smiled at me, welcomed me gently, and made me believe I was ready. Then, once I was on the dance floor, the rhythm had suddenly changed. I was asked to keep moving, even though the movement felt heavier, and my feet started to hurt. However, in some quiet way, I could still enjoy the music.
That's how I picture 2025. Warm at first, then suddenly a little bit cold in the middle, and finally simply moving on.
I didn't expect this year to be a time when I needed to restart, rebuild, rearrange, and even reset myself from the beginning. But ready or not, I had to go through it. Hence, I learned a lot, especially about adjustment and resilience.
Speaking about change, I never thought it would happen to me, especially in my mid-30s. Of course, when change comes, some things feel pleasant, and others don’t. Looking back a few years ago, I imagined myself in my 30s as someone who was probably already married, had built a family, traveled the world, was financially secure, owned a house, became a girl boss, and so many other things. Turns out, it happened the opposite way. Haha. At this age, I'm just now getting a new job that, hopefully, will be secure and fulfilling, and also starting to save from 0.
But it’s fine for me. I am still so grateful for all of these things, the changes I have always prayed for, for so long. The chance to get out of the dark, deep well.
From these new transitions, many good things have come into my life. I’ve met so many kind people. I learned new and meaningful things that I had never even known before. I gained unforgettable experiences without ever asking for them. And beyond all of that, there were small changes I didn't even realize before.. Becoming braver, more patient, more accepting, making peace with uncertainty, being more empathetic towards people, and learning how to keep going even when I didn't fully understand the situation.
Also, most importantly, I think my current self is way better than my old one—and that matters the most to me. Becoming better, every single day.
By that, there is one thing I should point out, I have no intention of competing with anyone else in this world, except myself, my own self.
Perhaps that’s why I’m learning to be truthful about what I've been carrying.. about places, feelings, hopes, and everything in between. People might disagree with me after reading this, or even dislike me for it. But again, it is what it is.
I don’t like Bogor - yet.
People often say I'm lucky to live somewhere with cool weather and fresh air. I am grateful, truly. However, gratitude doesn't always equate to liking, or even love.
I'm a confusing person, I guess.
I love the rain, but when it falls every day, every evening.. it starts to feel overwhelming.
I love solitude, my me-time, wandering to new places alone. I've dreamed of living on my own since high school. The idea stuck with me. But now that I finally get to live it and solitude becomes constant, it feels heavy. Exhausting.
I love food and snacks - and now that I can buy whatever I want, as much as I want, without my mom's little reminders, I ended up feeling nauseous. Again, it was too much.
I think Bogor gave me too many of the things I used to love, all at once, and it was suffocating. In addition, not just because its weather was cold, but perhaps because some of the encounters I had felt cold too. I don't know.
However, I think those reasons are just additional validation of the guilty feeling I felt while I was living there.
I used to believe every place had its own uniqueness, and that hating a place didn’t make sense to me. But now, I understand. Sometimes, it’s not the place we dislike—it’s the memories, experiences, and perhaps the stories we carry while living there. The correlation of a place to the people's memories and stories. I got it now.
My foster mom passed away when I was in Bogor. And I was in a position where I could not go home at that time. My heart broke into pieces. She was one of my heroes in my life. One of so many people who took care of me, who changed my diapers ever since I was a baby. When I was born, she only had sons, and then she had another son. So, she took me as her own daughter. I was kinda like her first daughter. And I was happy having her as my foster mom. She was so funny! She was always there when I needed someone to comfort me. A relationship between a mother and a daughter is always complicated. There were times when I had a fight with my own mother. Every time we had a fight, my foster mom would pull me and hug me. She was someone I joked around with, someone with whom I could chat for hours. Writing about her even breaks my heart again 💔😢
The day she passed away, I was supposed to cry and bawl my eyes out. Instead, I had to force myself to smile and pretend that life was good (because I was doing something that forced me to smile). At that time, I randomly realized how exhausting it must be to perform and pretend that they are okay-like actors, public figures, or anyone who has no space to fall apart. I bawled my eyes out when I arrived home (and could not stop for days), when she was not there and already buried. My parent said that everyone looked for me during the funeral. Her funeral.
That was one of many reasons why I resent Bogor. Nevertheless, I was trying so hard to love it, to adapt to it. Of course, some things made me happy spending days there, too. And maybe that’s why, in the middle of all these changes, I’ve come to believe in something simple but powerful. Being empathetic.
I think everyone deserves a warm greeting, a genuine welcome, a place where they are accepted, a chance to be listened to, a feeling of being included, and a friendly environment. A small kindness that may seem ordinary, but means everything to someone who is still learning how to stand in a new place. Sometimes, those small gestures are what make the rhythm bearable, and the dance possible.
Last but not least, at the end of the year, I pray that all of these hardships will pass soon. I pray that everyone involved can carry their responsibilities with care and sincerity. I pray that everyone is safe and well, healthy, and still able to feel warmth—with their families, with their friends—without losing anyone along the way. May Allah help everyone in Sumatra, and anywhere else where people are going through difficult times. Aamiin ya Allah.
May 2026 bring only kindness, prosperity, and blessings for all of us. 💕
