I Saw Kafka on The Shore

I used to love reading when I was in school, whether it was a very thick book or even a thin comic book. Fyi, I have collected so many comics and already read them all. So, that's how it describes how I loved reading. When I was in Highschool, I couldn't afford to buy thick imported novels so I borrowed some thick novels from my friends, who were bookworms (and had the privilege to buy some). I remember that i borrowed the twilight saga and harry potter from one of them and had to wait my turn after her and one other friend. Surprisingly, it was ok for me. It was ok for me to wait, and it was very ok for me to read that gigantic books. It was very fun, instead. Didn't mean to show off, but I could finish reading it like in days. By that, I really read a lot of books back then (but most of them were the borrowed books).

Times passed, and reading was not the only fun activity that attracted me anymore. I mean, i joined a lot of clubs during my university life and by that i almost had no time to stand still or reading. I also joined a lot of volunteer activities and events back then. I also joined a lot of writing competition in order to get some prizes (by that I mean some cashes for surviving the life). Hence, I was very busy and kinda feeling happy and fun because of that. After graduated, I got to work 7 to 5 everyday and also took some courses after work hours and just got home at night. At weekend, I ve been busied by some volunteer activities as well. So, i literally forgot about this reading activity.  

In the past months, during pandemic, people were (and still are) forced to just stay safe at home. I see there are a lot of ways to do the fun things that have been posted in order to let people comfortable to stay at home for a long period of time. I also see people tend to be more creative and they create something during this pandemic. For me, I have done a lot of things during this moment. I play piano, I paint, I write, I play Ukulele, I learn to dance, I learn to cook, I sleep, I watch, and so on. Then, there's a time when I think I feel empty and kinda bored of what I have been doing. Randomly, my thought just directed me to read. So, it's been like almost 10 years since the last time I read like read for purpose of just reading- spending some times for it, spend my leisure time by reading. So, in between some of e-books I downloaded , I started to choose what I should read first after soooooo long and I decided to read stuff that Haruki Murakami wrote. Kafka on the Shore was one of to-read books that I've always been wanted to read if i have a chance. So Kafka on the Shore it was.

The book was surprisingly great.. I mean, I've known that a lot of people have recommended this book to read, but I just didn't think that this book is gonna be marvelous. Hence, I am gonna be the 1000th person who recommend this book. I was glad that I choose this book to be the first book I decided to read because it somehow made me want to read more books after finishing it. The book was thick, almost 500pages and for someone who hasn't been reading for so long, it took me about a month to finish reading it. I somehow felt relate to the story of the book, so i read some sentences about twice or three times to fully understand the meaning and the purpose of Haruki Murakami wrote the story. Moreover, Mr. Nakata... is really an outstanding being, and i was glad to know him through the story. He gave me so many lessons that made me re-think about life and its purposes. 

Anyway, while i read that book, something funny happened to me. Surprisingly, it was like universe let me feel and become Kafka, at that time. I had to get out from home for self-isolation because of covid case that happened to one of my officemates. I was definitely Kafka, wondering around, thinking about the self that needed a roof for sleep at night, no option of staying at other houses (because i don't have), also had no much money to stay at expensive hotel for too long, but somehow found a way to keep enjoying the life. 

It may sounds exaggerated, but Kafka on The Shore has one tiny place in my heart. It was like a piece of so many pieces of assembled puzzle in my life :") 

Should I Write Again?

Recently, I have read and look for the concept of "Ikigai". Wondering about what my Ikigai is. When I was in high school and college, the famous concept I have often heard was "passion".  The questions of life were asked mostly related to passion, our passion. Until I know about this concept which is larger and wider than just a passion. So I have been wondering, questioning myself, looking for what my Ikigai is. And fyi, I still can't find it until this very moment. 

For the past few years, I have always busied myself with what I think I can do. Most of the time, I think I spent it on writing. I have a love-hate relationship with writing. I mean, I can write. People do too. But what made it different was I got a lot of things from writing. Since I was in Highschool, I've got a lot of prizes from writing competitions (which were huge and compromising), I got a chance to meet new inspiring people from it, and the more important thing was I feel I can do something in life, my self-esteem went up because of it. My friends too have always thought that I am good at it. However, those prizes were not proportional to the number of competitions I participated in, like I've participated in hundreds of competitions and only 4-7 of them let me get the prizes. You know, when you try to get something, and you finally get it, it just made you want no stop of getting the other big things. It happened to me like that. Greed. And when you try hard to get that, and you finally not getting it but you didn't stop (for you falling seven times, you stand up eight), it finally gave you stresses. It made my self-esteem went down, feel useless, feel empty. It stresses me out when I face the what-people-call as "writer blocks". I even almost throw up and disgust with my writing, and don't want to see my laptop, even more. I no longer like writing. I hated it. For almost 3-4 years I didn't write purposely for reaching something from it, but I still write in my diary. 

Week ago, I worked out, jogging in the city park. I listened to a podcast. That day podcast's theme was about writing. The podcaster was an artist, a musician, a producer, and a writer. He is very creative, out of the box, he is also smart. He is one of inspirations of mine. Then, I listened to him talking about how he finds peace and identity by writing. He talked about how he doesn't think about everybody's else judgement of his writing and feel like indifferent of what people may think. He wants to tell his story through writing. And all of his thoughts and talks somehow make sense to me. Then I combine about what I heard from the podcast and the Inkigai concept, something crossed my mind "Should I Write Again?"

I mean, I can write, also it may be something I am good at (and some friends and families think I am good at it as well), and I probably can be paid from it and maybe someday, my writing is what the world needs too. Who knows, right? But, I have to work hard on liking it again. So, should i write again?

Sleeples in May

I once was thinking that probably there is something wrong with me. I have always been excited when May comes. You know, my heart is like yaaay my month comes and so excited for no specific reasons. Just excited. However, at the same time when the month arrives, I always can't sleep properly and it has happened since i was in middle school. Strangely enough, on the night of May 31st, i finally could sleep as nothing happened. Anyway, It has happened for like 15years or so. In the night during the month, when i tried to sleep, there are always things that has been crossed my mind and i think some of them are my anxieties. It was like "what have i done so far in my life" or "am i already thankful enough to Allah for all the things" or "what should i do next after this new age" or "will people remember me if i die". Doesn't matter how much i feel tired, i just can't sleep properly like 7-8 hours a day in May. I probably sleep for only 3-4 hours. I used to feel disturbed by this because the day after, i would feel sleepy at school. But as it has happened for 15years now, i think i use to it. Still annoyed but well i try to befriended with myself with this strange condition. Because it's still me. 

Anyway, 29 already. "What have i done" is no more a question i've been frequently ask myself. The question now is "are you happy now?". I have asking myself a lot "are you happy, self" most of the time. Because what matters the most in this life is our own happiness. Sounds cliché but you only live once. 

Dear self, i wish you no nightmares, i wish you no worries, i wish you strength to live the life, i wish you happiness. I wish you eternal sunshine 🌻

Zooming Out the Life

I once heard someone said this through his/her presentation and i am quoting it "If you want to see whether your life is happy or not, whether your life is satisfying or not, do not see the life you are living right this moment. You have to zoom out your life, see through your glasses by zooming it out boldly". 

At that time i did not understand the meaning of it. Until i read the comment box and i slowly got the idea of how you zooming out your life. By that, it means your whole life from your childhood moment to the present times you live. Are you happy overall or are you not? How you spend your whole times, is that make you happy or not? The spectrum of life is so unlimited as long as you still breath until this very moment. You can not judge your life miserable just by seeing the condition you face right now or vice versa. Or you can not judge your life just full of sweets because you remember your childhood moments which full of things your parent gave you and still and you think will keep showering you. 

I zoomed out my life. I see thoroughly through the process of zooming out. My life, you know, has never been fully satisfying for me. It full of some shi** and failures and stressors and ugh disgusting thing. But when i zoomed it out, i see a lot of you know undescribable things that make me feel very grateful for being alive. As i zoomed it out, i know 33% of my life so far is devastating while about 67% of it is very beautiful and wonderful and i am thankful of it deeply. 

And i think when you zoom out your life, you tend to remember and see the beautiful side rather than bad ones as long as you have faith. Try to zoom yours out, anyway. 

What's with the World?

What is wrong? What is up? What happened with the world?

Never had it crossed in my mind, nor in most people's, that the world would be this complicated. Calm and silent while panicking and stressed at the same time. Looking so peaceful and dangerous at the same time, as well. Is this typical of how the world protests to its contents, for instance, us as human beings?

We have been always busy, in you know, reaching what we have planned in this world. Doing this and that to get what we always dream of, what we really want, what we always think of. By that, sometimes we forget that may be in the process of getting it, and we may hurt one or another. Not only the heart, and mind, but probably sacrifice what may be important for us. We rarely think about what is happening around us, what is gonna happen when we do this and that. Our consideration that we may think perfectly not gonna harmful to any parties, is not perfectly fine for what we miss. Because nothing is perfect in humans or in this world, and sometimes we forget or just close our eyes to that.

The greed. It is mostly the cause of the destruction, of anything. Not only to ourselves but also to whatever is around us, including the environment. This pandemic, I think it is one of the examples of the effect of what we have done. Some did well, but more did bad, including me probably. Trying hard to keep the environment clean, planting some trees and flowers, it was actually never enough. And I sometimes hate myself for not trying harder to do something good for the world. 

My teacher once said that "things will be more valuable when it's gone". Now, I realize that to be breathing the air is one of the best gifts we as humans can get, for free. Now, to breathe the air, we must wear a mask which is of course not comfortable to do. We've been caged at home to protect one to another, not be able to visit family members or friends as we usually do and it's devastating. Right? We are forced to keep staying at home for some time that we can't predict, while we have to maintain our sanity and mental health at the same time. Not easy, I know.

But what is harder is, the people who work in the hospital or some service companies. As a person who works in the hospital, I sometimes feel very very proud and blessed while feeling stressed at the same time. I see health workers janitors and security officers, they are forced to take care of patients while they are forced to keep their health, physically and mentally, at the same time. Not easy. Really not easy. What I have been getting while I work is always about the updates of the patients, about the Covid19 itself, and about other devastating things that most people don't know. And it is crazy. Scary.

Meanwhile, I keep myself updated by the other news around the world. For instance, the climate level that has been decreasing since this pandemic thing, or some places that is beautifully clean, or the news that updates the condition of animals that live and move freely in town. Amazing to see that the world is getting better condition. Thankful to see that the air is fresher than ever, the sky is bluer than ever, the sea is cleaner than ever. Maybe it is how God teaches us to think and be more considerate and responsible to the environment, to the world. I somehow think that nothing is in vain. Greta Thunberg, i think this time God sees you fight for a better climate that is hard with your sincere heart, and God was moved to help. 

One big thing that I have learned in this pandemic situation that nothing is Eternal. Either the pandemic or the life itself. But one thing for sure, manifestation of humanity is what we need and continuous sincere prayers are what may help. This too shall pass, everybody. Just hang in there!