A Liminal Season

If I could describe 2025 as a person, I think it would be a dancing tutor or a choreographer. At first, she smiled at me, welcomed me gently, and made me believe I was ready. Then, once I was on the dance floor, the rhythm had suddenly changed. I was asked to keep moving, even though the movement felt heavier, and my feet started to hurt. However, in some quiet way, I could still enjoy the music. 

That's how I picture 2025. Warm at first, then suddenly a little bit cold in the middle, and finally simply moving on.  

I didn't expect this year to be a time when I needed to restart, rebuild, rearrange, and even reset myself from the beginning. But ready or not, I had to go through it. Hence, I learned a lot, especially about adjustment and resilience.

Speaking about change, I never thought it would happen to me, especially in my mid-30s. Of course, when change comes, some things feel pleasant, and others don’t. Looking back a few years ago, I imagined myself in my 30s as someone who was probably already married, had built a family, traveled the world, was financially secure, owned a house, became a girl boss, and so many other things. Turns out, it happened the opposite way. Haha. At this age, I'm just now getting a new job that, hopefully, will be secure and fulfilling, and also starting to save from 0. 

But it’s fine for me. I am still so grateful for all of these things, the changes I have always prayed for, for so long.  The chance to get out of the dark, deep well. 

From these new transitions, many good things have come into my life. I’ve met so many kind people. I learned new and meaningful things that I had never even known before. I gained unforgettable experiences without ever asking for them. And beyond all of that, there were small changes I didn't even realize before.. Becoming braver, more patient, more accepting, making peace with uncertainty, being more empathetic towards people, and learning how to keep going even when I didn't fully understand the situation.

Also, most importantly, I think my current self is way better than my old one—and that matters the most to me. Becoming better, every single day.

By that, there is one thing I should point out, I have no intention of competing with anyone else in this world, except myself, my own self.

Perhaps that’s why I’m learning to be truthful about what I've been carrying.. about places, feelings, hopes, and everything in between. People might disagree with me after reading this, or even dislike me for it. But again, it is what it is. 

I don’t like Bogor - yet.  

People often say I'm lucky to live somewhere with cool weather and fresh air. I am grateful, truly. However, gratitude doesn't always equate to liking, or even love. 

I'm a confusing person, I guess. 

I love the rain, but when it falls every day, every evening.. it starts to feel overwhelming. 

I love solitude, my me-time, wandering to new places alone. I've dreamed of living on my own since high school. The idea stuck with me. But now that I finally get to live it and solitude becomes constant, it feels heavy. Exhausting.

I love food and snacks - and now that I can buy whatever I want, as much as I want, without my mom's little reminders, I ended up feeling nauseous. Again, it was too much. 

I think Bogor gave me too many of the things I used to love, all at once, and it was suffocating. In addition, not just because its weather was cold, but perhaps because some of the encounters I had felt cold too. I don't know.

However, I think those reasons are just additional validation of the guilty feeling I felt while I was living there. 

I used to believe every place had its own uniqueness, and that hating a place didn’t make sense to me. But now, I understand. Sometimes, it’s not the place we dislike—it’s the memories, experiences, and perhaps the stories we carry while living there. The correlation of a place to the people's memories and stories. I got it now. 

My foster mom passed away when I was in Bogor. And I was in a position where I could not go home at that time. My heart broke into pieces. She was one of my heroes in my life. One of so many people who took care of me, who changed my diapers ever since I was a baby. When I was born, she only had sons, and then she had another son. So, she took me as her own daughter. I was kinda like her first daughter. And I was happy having her as my foster mom. She was so funny! She was always there when I needed someone to comfort me. A relationship between a mother and a daughter is always complicated. There were times when I had a fight with my own mother. Every time we had a fight, my foster mom would pull me and hug me. She was someone I joked around with, someone with whom I could chat for hours. Writing about her even breaks my heart again 💔😢

The day she passed away, I was supposed to cry and bawl my eyes out. Instead, I had to force myself to smile and pretend that life was good (because I was doing something that forced me to smile). At that time, I randomly realized how exhausting it must be to perform and pretend that they are okay-like actors, public figures, or anyone who has no space to fall apart. I bawled my eyes out when I arrived home (and could not stop for days), when she was not there and already buried. My parent said that everyone looked for me during the funeral. Her funeral.

That was one of many reasons why I resent Bogor. Nevertheless, I was trying so hard to love it, to adapt to it. Of course, some things made me happy spending days there, too. And maybe that’s why, in the middle of all these changes, I’ve come to believe in something simple but powerful. Being empathetic. 

I think everyone deserves a warm greeting, a genuine welcome, a place where they are accepted, a chance to be listened to, a feeling of being included, and a friendly environment. A small kindness that may seem ordinary, but means everything to someone who is still learning how to stand in a new place. Sometimes, those small gestures are what make the rhythm bearable, and the dance possible. 

Last but not least, at the end of the year, I pray that all of these hardships will pass soon. I pray that everyone involved can carry their responsibilities with care and sincerity. I pray that everyone is safe and well, healthy, and still able to feel warmth—with their families, with their friends—without losing anyone along the way. May Allah help everyone in Sumatra, and anywhere else where people are going through difficult times. Aamiin ya Allah. 

May 2026 bring only kindness, prosperity, and blessings for all of us. 💕

G.V.O

Good Vibes Only.

It is how I have been feeling and what has happened to me lately, especially in the first four months of 2025. Wow, twenty twenty-five—already! It felt like I blinked, and the year had changed. 

Anyway, as 2025 rolls in, only good things have happened to me so far — and for that, I’m incredibly grateful, beyond the stars and back.

So many good things have come my way lately that it makes me wonder: what’s waiting for me in the rest of this year? You know, I sometimes get that feeling — when things are going really well, it’s like there’s a storm quietly waiting around the corner. But I also believe the opposite is true: when bad things happen, there’s always a rainbow and some sunshine not too far behind.

Because of that, I’ve never been great at fully enjoying the good times. Don’t get me wrong — I’m deeply grateful. But I also can’t help feeling a little anxious sometimes.

Still, with all the good that’s been coming my way lately, I’ve been trying to shut those thoughts out. I remind myself they’re just "unreal and maladaptive thoughts." So now, I’m doing my best to really be present, to enjoy the moment, and to not take any of these blessings for granted — even the smallest, simplest ones.

To start things off, I want to talk about a song I love so much, as it describes me well. A few years ago, I took the Enneagram personality test and got "Type Seven". The lucky seven. I remember reading the description and thinking, “Yeah… that’s definitely me.”.. Another fun fact about me: Whenever I get curious about something or find something interesting, I tend to go all in—I’ll read, research, and dive as deep as I can. At that time, my focus was on the Enneagram, so I dug into it. That’s how I found a song called “Seven” by Sleeping at Last. Turns out, the song is actually inspired by that exact Enneagram type.

The first time I heard it, I was like, “Wait… did someone write this about me?”. Lol.  It captured me so well—it was kind of eerie, in the best way. I feel like I can relate to the song. So, there’s a lyric in the song that goes:

"How nice it'd be

If we could try everything

I'm serious, let's make a list and just begin."

So far, I’ve been trying to live by the phrase “good vibes only,” and funnily enough, it kind of connects with that song I mentioned earlier. 

It all started with finally going on my first solo trip, again. Spending time with myself and "discovering something new" has always brought me so much joy and excitement. I got to visit new places, try new things, meet new people, and collect fresh experiences. There were always questions and little wonders in every moment—and surprisingly, I even found answers to some of the things I’d been questioning for a long time. It was amazing!

And finally—something I had been praying to finish for a long time... I finally did it. It might seem small to others, but I bawled my eyes out when I finally accomplished it. It meant the world to me.

Over the past few months, I’ve actually ticked off a few things from my resolution list — and honestly, some of them even made me tear up (in the best way). What still surprises me is that, little by little, I’m starting to feel my sparks back. And for that, I’m really, really grateful. :") These past few months have been filled with so many happy moments, and by that, honestly, I can’t even remember the bad ones that also happened. I know it probably sounds impossible, but wouldn’t it be amazing if we could only remember the good things in life, so we could stay happy, day by day?

If.. one day, I end up losing my memories, I hope the good ones will remain. And if one day, someone or even the world has to lose me, I hope only good memories of me stay behind.

Second Half

It's always confusing for me to start writing at the end of the year. Why? Because so many memories happened that need hundreds of pages to be written, and when they have to be recapped at the end of the year, it's somehow overwhelming. 

This year... I grew.

The first half was filled with so much joy and happiness, and I took that as a good sign for spending the last second half of the year. Thankfully, it happened as I imagined. I had a lot of good experiences, gifts, lessons, and surprises—which were so good, Alhamdulillah.

I had a chance to have a surprise trip with my dad, my sister, and my cousin. That was so fun and funny. We randomly chose a place to go. Then, when looking for accommodation, we also randomly chose a reasonably priced place (since we only needed a place to sleep). Turned out, it had such a beautiful view, a lovely neighborhood, a great restaurant nearby, excellent service, and delicious food. Oh, and we even got a discount price! It was like buying one and getting three. My dad was the happiest, haha. Spending time with family always makes me the happiest person. Even if it’s just having meals together or going out briefly, it somehow becomes precious as I grow older. May I always have the chance to make my parents the happiest people in the world. 

It might sound a bit extra, but I finally got to experience glamping with my family after wanting it for so long. The moment felt special since it was one of our family's wishlists. Moreover, unplanned things really do leave a bigger impression. We only planned it a few days before actually going glamping. On top of that, it was a long holiday, which made finding a glamping spot hard. But finally, we got one in Majalengka—a place we never would’ve imagined. It was a totally random spot and literally the only one left. The most memorable part, though, was the journey to get there. We had to go through narrow, uphill roads with rocks everywhere, and steep cliffs on both sides. And to top it off, we did all that right as the sun set. But when we arrived, the view was absolutely breathtaking! We were so beyond grateful for the experience and the surroundings. It became one of the most memorable memories for us in 2024. Alhamdulillah 1000times. 

In addition, I’ve had good things happen in my relationships with my friends, too. One of my longest and best friends finally got married. She’s the kind of best friend anyone could ever pray for, and I’m so grateful to have her in my life. Witnessing her get married was another happy milestone in our friendship. I hope we have another happy milestone soon. 

Speaking of friendship, I’ve been fortunate in this aspect of my life, especially this year. Spending time with my friends and receiving their love is something I’d happily brag about, every-single-time. One of the highlights this year was that I finally made up with and reunited with some old friends after years of not seeing each other. My precious high school friends. I can’t believe this happened this year, after thinking I’d never get to do it again. You know, having friends who truly and sincerely still want to be friends with you, even though they know all your flaws, is one way to ease all the struggles of your life. I am truly blessed to be one of those who are surrounded by those kind people.  

When we're together, it's funny how time flies. Our bodies grow older, our problems get more complicated, and we age — our skin begins to wrinkle. Yet, when we meet, we still feel the same. It’s also funny how certain places can feel like a real-time machine, bringing us back to exact moments in the past. I recently met my high school friends, it felt like we were still the same high school kids, full of laughter and jokes, but with more life challenges and responsibilities. But we laughed about it anyway. I think, this also became one of the precious things that happened this year. 

I got some lovely words from ChatGPT that perfectly describe how I felt after meeting my friends. I really resonate with it.

"High school friends are often irreplaceable because those connections were built before life got complicated. There's a kind of pure, unfiltered bond that comes from growing up together. It’s amazing how life comes full circle sometimes. Those silly high school moments truly become treasures as we grow older—they remind us of a time when we were carefree, and even our “stupid” antics had a charm to them. It’s like each story holds a piece of who you all were back then."

Speaking of which, it reminds me of a few years ago when I was in my dark period, a time when I wasn’t really myself... The moment when I was feeling at the bottom of a well. One of the things that saved me from losing my mind was my friends, who were always there 24/7, making sure I was still alive. Thinking about it again, once again, all I can say is gratitude.

Anyway, another happy highlight happening this year was... I got a free ticket to watch Bruno Mars!! For-Free! I mean, it was ... Bruno Mars !! OMG. IT WAS A BLAST! What an experience. Ah, again, I got it from one of my high school friends. It feels like I hit the jackpot this year after seeing Coldplay too. Allah is so kind to me. More than kind, kind. The Kindest, indeed. Alhamdulillah.

However.. Indeed Allah owns everything, and how He flips hearts is such an easy matter for Him.

Life has its fair share of heart-wrenching moments. There are times when joy seems to vanish instantly, and it happened to me this year. With all of the joys that have come to me this year, I have experienced losing two of my close relatives in just two consecutive days. I had never imagined it before and it was.. devastating. One of my best friends, Michael, and my aunt Mar. Those two sweet and kind souls.. :"(

I can spend more than a month telling everyone about those two precious people, especially their kindness. Michael, my very first friend in the office, since a decade ago. Had I not met him, I probably already lost my sanity because of the frustrating situation. He is a goofball, a joker, and the life of the party. A very good office mate to everyone.. and My Aunt Mar, she has always been an angel to me. May they rest in peace. Alfatihah.

As they both left, it made me realize just how unpredictable life truly is. Behind all the trials we face and the happiness we experience, nothing is eternal. I hope we (especially me) can always strive to be the best versions of ourselves in this fleeting life..

Here I hope 2025 brings prosperity, joy, good luck, and health for everyone. Let’s also hope for a world filled with peace and kindness, where we can grow better together..

First Half

I once read a TikTok post from someone on the journey of finding herself, "Try to listen to other people's suggestions and consider them".

I always believe that the journey of finding ourselves is a lifetime journey, as well as the concept of learning. We will always get confused about a thing or two, question something or more, and wonder about many things in our lives. Hence being human means we perpetually learn about everything as long as we breathe. While I am writing this, I suddenly remember what touched me the most this year, Dead Poets Society. God, that movie was top-notch! 

A few years ago, I think in my 20s when we all faced our mid-life crisis, I tried so many things to find what I was, what I wanted to do, find the purpose of life, find my passion, etc.  So, when the personality test, specifically MBTI, was booming, my friends and I tried to do that as well. I got ENFP when I tried it first. Then, years later, my friend told me that hers had changed from one to another. I was like "huh?", and decided to try again. The thing was, I still got the same. Years went by, and until now, it remains the same. So yeah, I am definitely an ENFP.  

Living as an ENFP, I don't know if it was only me or anybody else who shares the same personality who did this too, I just automatically love expecting the unexpected, planning the unplanned, and love trying to do all of so many random things. Well, you can judge me from what I shared here in my blog. There were so many random things, were they not? Besides, I love the idea of being a free spirit, well I think I kinda like that, but yeah I love being one. I often don't follow the crowds and don't organize or list things. 

So, when I read that TikTok post, it slapped me straight to my face. Haha. I may need to take people's suggestions and make a consideration of it.  

Many said, "You have to attend Coldplay's concert at least once in your life". Well, I haven't thought about that seriously. I love Coldplay, I love their music, their storytelling in each song, and I have memorized their songs' lyrics. But I don't love them that much that I need to attend their concert or you know pay such an amount of money to see them. Like, I enjoy their music, sing their song, and nod my head to it (well sometimes dance to it). That's all. I think concerts are not on the list to spend money on.

However, I suddenly wanted to prove what other people said about attending their concert would make you blown away. Then, I joined the crowds and went to a battlefield to get the ticket. It was.... Fierce! Hahaha. My first time doing Ticket War, and it was for Coldplay, can you imagine that?! Anyway, fast forward, I got the ticket, flew to watch their concert and I became one of many, and Oh.My.God... yes.. If it's possible, you should watch them at least once in your life!! For me, personally, all of this first half of this year, that was the best decision I have made. Alhamdulillaaaaaaaah !

In addition to that, I am so grateful for whatever happened in the past 6 months. My eyes got the best treatment ever. So many beautiful views that I witnessed, mostly were the sea, sky, green fields, then the sea again, people, places, books, and then the sea again. 

Moreover, as usual, Allah gave me some opportunities to try a lot of new things, learn new things, go to new places, and meet new people. Alhamdulillah again. Speaking of learning new stuff, I had my first time doing Batik, and that was super fun! Starting from the drawing process, waxing, and then coloring them. The process itself was hard but again so fun to do! Gonna do it again if I have a chance. 

During this first half, I have spent some good times with my loved ones, my family and my friends. I can't ever be grateful enough for that precious time. Baking some cookies, chatting and giggling, painting, playing some games, working out together, sightseeing, and traveling somewhere. And then there was one kind and nice and cute and gentle furry friend who came and kept me grounded and happily stayed at my grandma's home. Milo, my grandma's cat. I have never met a cat as free as him yet sooooooooo very understanding, loving and gentle. I have never really been into cats or dogs or animals in general. So I can not believe that one specific being could make a little change in my life and my heart. Geez, writing things about him makes me miss him more. My sister and I almost bring him home, but we realize that our granny needs him more. Milo indeed is our family's treasure 💓

Overall, life in the first half of this year was so good, so so good! Even though I got chicken pox (first-timer :p), still there were a lot of good things happened. Alhamdulillaah. Oh, and one thing, as our Captain Williams said, Carpe Diem!

2023 in a Nutshell

This year... It's quite a bit complicated for me to describe it. It's definitely good things happened and bad things also came in. But it was more than good and bad. Something more poetic in describing those terms, whether awesome and awful or acceptable and unacceptable. I don't know which one is more poetic, you choose. 

Anyway, this year was like that. Full of ups and downs, exactly like my mood. 

There were a lot of gains and losses, this year. There was also something that I thought I would lose but turned out I got that - which was good, and also some things that I thought I would catch but hell yeah I lost them.. It's funny if I see them now,  but at that time while I was facing it, it was like a beautiful daydream turned into a nightmare - yes, swifties over here- But yeah, time indeed heals. 

One thing for sure is I-Learned-A-Lot, this year. From any kind of source, you named it. Quran, books, podcasts, articles, journals, ads, music, paintings, exhibitions, products, designs, people's experiences, my own experiences, people's stories, my own stories, even from cats and fruits and plants. The more I learned, the more I realized I was just an empty jar. Sigh. 

Speaking of books.... I think I want to put it here just to remind myself a few times ahead when I'll get lazy or need to read this post again, I think this year was a beginning to say that I was back on track as a (beginner) bookworm. I have read 10 books? or 11 books? I forgot, but if it was 11, I'll add it to 12 with this another Ali Hazelwood book that I am currently reading right now. It's probably just a "Meh" or thing that is not so compromising (I know), but I'd say.. it is for me. Those 10-11 books did not include AUs (which was new for me - it's like fan fiction), webtoons and comics. So yeah, one of my achievements this year, I proudly say. 

Another achievement was.. I was finally able to do blood donation again after nearly 8 years! It touched me and almost shed a tear. It was sadly because of my blood tension that made me couldn't share it. My parent, they are the absolute reason why I think I need to give or donate or just share anything. My mother always says that we have to give whatever we can to the people in need. My father is just giving an example of what my mother said. He is a lifetime blood donor, and I learned from them. That's why when I was told I wasn't able to do the blood donation (several times), it made me sad. This year, after I took care of myself, did some diets, ate a lot of healthy vegetables, fruits, and proteins, and did a little brisk walk, finally I was able to do that, and I was so happy to finally be able again to do that. Alhamdulillaah :")

This year, I have tried some new delicious foods, traveled to new places, tried some new experiences, explored new things, looked for things that fit me the most, had some conversations with myself more but at the same time be able to spend more time with my family and friends, also met some new people, which were some achievements for me too.  The experiences, the stories, and the journeys were precious to me. Alhamdulillah..

Speaking again of experiences and stories, whether it was mine or people -friends, families, acquaintances, or even strangers- I bet it won't stop when I start writing about this. I need a timer to stop.

This year, the place I spent my days the most was...the hospital, yes aka my office, yes again aka the place i'd -not- rather be. The test of this year was.. woah! So my family members (yes except me- thankfully) took turns being hospitalized due to different cases this year. It took 1 - 2 weeks for each and even my father was hospitalized twice this year. My sister was the worst. She had a tonsillectomy and had bleeding during the process (and needed to do 2nd medical intervention kinda thing). It took a month to recover - and yes, I also slept in the hospital for almost a month.. it was draining and exhausting, honestly. Glad that we have been through it together. I pray for everyone in this whole world to be healthy wherever, whenever. 

This year also, I spent my days crying a lot because of Palestine. It was so stressful. I asked my mother if I could fly and did volunteering there (I almost secretly bought a plane ticket). But the answer was crystal clear - it was a firm no. In the end, I just did what I could. I pray that the war will end. I pray for the world peace. I pray for Palestinians to be safe, healthy, and happy, also always being protected by The Most Merciful. 

This year, I was faced with a situation that made me somehow blame myself and overwhelmed. Human relationships are sometimes complicated, complex, challenging, and vague. However, at the same time, I love humans and I also love being a human. I love having interaction with people. I think that was one of many reasons why I took psychology as my major, a decade ago. But this year, I had a few difficulties in managing the relationship between me and the others. It was me, as Taylor Swift (another proof being a swifties) said: It's me, I'm the problem, it's me. But I did some research and self-introspection and finally found the crack in between. Self-exploration is indeed a lifetime journey as we change, surrounding change, everything's moving. 

Well, it had to be stopped as my timer rang. Aaandddd here are several lessons that I got this year. The reason why I put it here? just because. ;)

1. Allah is The Kindest. No debate. The Kindest of all. Every love song, every love poetry, every form of art related to love, and everything about love itself, is undoubtedly dedicated to Him. 
2. I am one of those lucky girls who have been listening to murotal Quran straight from my granny's voice since I was born until now. I just realized that i love my quality time together with my Mbah : the moment when i just lying down or sitting down on my bed, and my grandma comes to join me and recites Quran beside me. That is her love language :")
3. Mom probably sometimes does not know the best (at least in my case), BUT I literally can't do anything without her. Seriously, sometimes i wonder how I will survive this life without her :"( 
4. In the world of creativity, stealing is a cheap way to make someone hurt as being throbbed in the heart by a knife. It was painful, really. I just felt it recently and it was devastating. 
5. I was on my diet, eating healthy food, same menu every day. It was hard to be consistent. So one day, I had to take care of my sister in hospital, and it was all the cheating started. The thing is, to get back on track is another pain in the ass, it was even harder! It was so difficult! Dude, it was the hardest thing to do this year I may say, to get back to eating healthy after tasting all the MSGs. geez! I'm still trying, tho. Anyway, I wonder if the cheating and hard-to-back-on-track things applied in human relations too? As a cheater myself, I suggest a big no to cheating in any possible way. Seriously.
6. Being mean and indifferent doesn't fit me. Though overthinking seemed to fit me, it killed me reaaaallll slllooooowwwww..  seriously, it was exhausting to be an overthinker. I am trying to fix this reeeeaaal hard. 
7. You do you. Never ever blame yourself because of something or someone. Blaming ourselves is the worst and most painful thing you can do to yourself. It's a form of self-harassment. Be kind not only to others but to yourself. Yourself is numero uno!
8. Art heals me

Hence, I have been doing well. I just want to say here to some people who have been kindly concerned, worried, cared, and curious about me, directly or secretly (iykyk). Anyway, I am still doing my project, also yes I am still doing my piano lesson, but no I rarely sew again (which I miss and probably will do next year), yes also to my random solo trip (I still do), but no I rarely cook lately (my mom's food is my ammunition), and yes I still figuring out what's best for me. I have never been better. Life is good. That's about my life updates.

To summarize, this year ... I think I cried a lot. However, I laughed a lot more. So I am grateful.