Confetti

I can't believe we're finally reaching the end of 2021. A year indeed has passed so fast, hasn't it? When they say that time flies, I agree with that. What a year. 

I am writing this blog post with a very grateful and pleasant feeling, thankfully. Starting and ending the year with a blissful feeling itself is a blessing for me. Certainly, somewhere in between some things don't always go well as we hoped or expected, but that's the essence of life I guess. Sometimes we walk through the flower path, and in a moment we just unconsciously tripped over a rock in the middle of the road. But that's very okay. We're still in the middle of the flower path, anyway. 

This year gives me so many lessons and I am grateful to be a learner and absorb all the lessons. It needs some time for me to understand things (maybe it's because I am getting old?) or learn something that I never knew before. Honestly, one of my 2021 resolutions is to learn something new. In fact, that happened, and what I learned was not only one or two things but so many new things, so that was like bonuses for me. It is interesting, actually. It will be my forever resolution for years after, to be a forever learner. Life learner. 

Speaking of resolutions, one of them was also to have a healthy(er) lifestyle. There was no way I fully transformed myself to have a lifestyle like an athlete in a year, but this year I think I changed my lifestyle a little bit. I have been eating a lot of fruits and vegetables this year almost every day, I have been doing some workouts too (not like weightlifting or strenuous exercise), I maintained my sleep to be 6-8 hours a day, and moreover, I reduce eating snacks and chips! That's one of the big achievements for me as I always find it difficult to not eat biscuits or pringles as my dessert :"( I miss Pringles so muccccchhh but you know, it's always hard to get out of your comfort zone. Sorry pringles, but bye :<

Another achievement is I successfully reduced using my phone and pay more attention to my brain and mental health by reading books! yay! This also is one of my biggest achievements so far. Actually, I love reading books but to start reading is a hard task. I know that when I start reading, I will be drowned in the books, but often I am just lazy to start to read. However, this year I managed to beat the laziness! :)

As I made lists of resolutions (which was a lot), last but not least that I want to share here is, to know myself better. I think this is the point of why I am able to make it all happen. Self-awareness indeed is key! I become loved myself more. Of course, sometimes I still compare myself to others or have insecurities that will never easily go away, but by being aware of myself, I just know what I exactly want to do, or what I feel, or what I need. You know, I  treated myself like how I treat my little cousins (haha). Like I often ask myself, okay what do you want to do? Do you want to play piano or just walk around the park? Do you need to take a day off from work? I think swimming or jogging sounds great. How about doing it? What do you want to eat to make you happy today? 

That's the kind of question I've been asking myself lately. It was funnily worked with me. I mean, having that kind of conversation with myself. Hence, in this last time of the year, it feels like the universe just throws a lot of confetti from above for me. To celebrate my life that turned to be very fun this year. Alhamdulillah. 

For the next year, and many years after, I wish that we all live happily and gratefully. I wish everyone can be kind to each other, most of all to themselves so they'll find out that they can be anything good in life. Let's conspire with the universe to throw a lot of confetti for us to celebrate life. Cheers :)

Stepping on a Shi*

"People are really battling with their own problems" 

That's what came to my mind when I think I've should write. Nothing is a coincidence in life, I believe that and it somehow applies to me recently. A few moments ago, I read some blog posts of people who I adore and look up to. Strangely, their latest posts were about similar things, their difficulties in life which opened my mind that we are all the same, we are not really okay, in this present time. We all are struggling. 

Honestly, at the beginning of the year, I thought I would post stories that only contain good and positive things here. Why? Because I thought if someone really reads my blog post (or at least for myself), it will bring positive vibes in their life (or at least mine), not much but a pinch of happiness. But we all know that life is full of ups and downs, and it's actually good that I have a deed to spread happiness to others, but sometimes sad and bad things also bring the bright side in life, doesn't it? 

Some people probably get easily stressed when they've faced some problems like their problems are the heaviest burden in the world. I sometimes at some certain point feel like that too. It's getting more stressful as I think about the problem continuously or for a long time. It has happened to me lately too. Someone slandered and embarrassed me in public and that was hurtful to get inappropriate words being screamed in front of your face, even though it is said by someone who was mentally ill and in an unstable condition, but still, it was devastating. I tried some ways to you know to face it, fight with it, deny it. In the process of doing that, I couldn't sleep. I felt blue, I hate myself, I hate people even more. I kept cursing myself on my mind, and cursing people even more (of course on my mind because I don't want to add any troubles by doing it bluntly). Life was completely a sh** that time. I hold a grudge and I got mad at other people but even more mad at myself to not be able to control my anger, control myself, and of course, I was hyperventilate-crying. Seriously it's been like a decade since I cried that loud until I couldn't breathe and my heart was in pain. I thought that I was gonna die because of a heart attack that was caused by crying out loud and screaming at the same time for too long. It was exhausting. 

But at the end of time, what saved me was only by accepted it. Accept that in life, you have to feel the cold of the snow so you can be grateful for the spring after. Accept that in life, when you walk it's very possible for you to accidentally step on some shi*s on the way home and it's okay because you always can clean it up after. Accept that in life, you need some rain and some storms to grow the seed into a beautiful flower. But how I finally could accept all of those bad things? By praying. Once again, Nothing is a coincidence in life. In between the bad days I had, I once read a psychologist's Instagram post which was said that during pandemics, people are easily getting mad, getting stressed even without a specific reason. So the way to avoid that, we have to do something that makes us happy. It could be doing art, cooking, watching movies, talking with other people, playing games, writing, singing, dancing, etc. It is different from one to another people. One of them also is by working out which could create Endorphine hormone that triggers positive and happy feelings in the body. I tried to do that and it really worked for me. I was running on my treadmill while looking at the bougainvillea that blooms that time (thanks to my green-thumb father), sweating, thinking that how could all of this happen to me, looked for the answers to the questions I've been asking myself, and finally to untangle the tangled thread one by one. It was astonishing that after a week of insomnia, I was finally able to sleep that night. 

In addition to that, telling people about what you feel is really helpful. Not only you can help yourself to vent your anger, loosen your burden, express what you thought, but also they perhaps have solutions for you. Even if they're not, their ears really help you in the way beyond your thoughts. After all, everyone is fighting their own battle, just always be kind to yourself and to everyone else :) 

30th Floor

We are passing Eid-al Fitr this month. So basically (in Islam) we start our life again like a clean white paper. So it's a kind of new chapter of life, and also this month is bringing me to the new age. So it is definitely a new chapter of life of mine. New story to be written, new experience to be made, new memory to be created and i hope nothing but the good ones will be.

The standard of living well has changed for me, i think it's also applied to everyone when they grow older. I honestly still figure out on how i measure good living, but for now, it is measured by how much i contribute to the society, how much i spend money or things that i have for people in need, how much time i spend with my family, friends and also myself and of course how often i thank Allah for this life. The more of course the better (in my case). 

In terms of how good living changes, happiness levels also change for me. Funny when i ask myself "what exactly do you want to do right now?" "what makes you happy right now?", the past self of me probably would answered a lot of random things. But right now, the answer is simply "swimming". hahaha. Like i want to pay higher price for swimming freely, without fearness feeling of corona or whatever. Actually, i finally got a time to do that and when i had a chance to swim, it was blissful. As simple as that. Also, spending some times with my family makes me happy too. This month, regardless of the extreme workloads, I feel happy.

I celebrate life, thankfully. There are a lot of things that i want to get but i don't, a lot of things that people own but i don't, a lot of achievements that people have achieved but i don't, a lot of artworks that people create but i don't, and the list goes on.. I used to feel disturbed by these things, like it made me sad and blame myself, but it doesn't matter anymore for me. I've been asked by my friends about the birthday presents that i want this year (actually we have been doing this every year, every birthday since few years ago), and i told them that everything seems worthless for me, so i just need sincere prayers. It sounds like a bulshit, but that's the truth. It suddenly happens when you reach 30, I guess.  You know, it's like you're standing on the 30th floor and look to the floors below, it looks small and you kinda have a sensation of content feeling, don't you? Moreover when you look out of your window, the scenery is mesmerizing. Of course, the higher place you're in, the more wind hitting you, and somehow it scares you too. But it doesn't matter if you see the good sides and scenery, in a positive attitude and mind. It's kinda feeling like that. I feel content, thankfully. Alhamdulillah.

Something that becomes my focus nowadays is the bad news about people. I have never said anything about what's happening in Palestine these days. Not because I don't care about that but because I don't think I have enough knowledge and information to speak up about that. But thinking again, I was wrong and I have a voice here as a human being and we don't need any specific educational degree to convey about humanity. Of course that thing is the worst. It is not about who fight whom, but it's about humanity, and to kill a soul, a human being is really the worst. A lot of people have died because of covid-19 and it was added by the bombing. Can you imagine how life will be in the future? So, let's holding hand and create a peaceful life, everyone. Let's create a beautiful life by being kind to ourself and everyone, giving more to whoever needs help, praying for our  good life and everyone's,  and to not holding grudge or negative emotions in ourself for too long. #kindnesshealseverysouls. 

Empty Glass

I always feel that my knowledge about everything that happened in this world is zero. I often feel that I am like an empty glass, and it sucks. It makes me sad sometimes when I think that I could learn about so many things but I have no time and capacity to absorb it all.

I am kind of thirsty for a filled brain, understanding feeling, and a lot of useful knowledge and information about everything in life and the afterlife. Actually, there are a lot of ways for us to learn, I know that well. When we maximize our five senses to absorb it all, the result will be unpredictable. But the fact that I can't do it yet, it's kind of devastating. So this month, I was kind of promised myself to make use of my senses more. I want to fill this empty glass of mine with full of clean fresh water :)

Anyway, I was thinking about which aspects that I want to dig more into, and there were literally a lot! Hahaha, feel stupid enough to just choose one, right? But, as a Muslim and this month is Ramadhan, first thing first I chose to learn more about what's in Islam, to read the Quran and the meaning of each verse, to finally able to fix my HabluminAllah. My relationship with Allah. When I recite Quran and read the meaning all over again, I just realize that as a microcosmos, I am just tiny dust, you know. I am nothing. However, Allah promised that Human being is the best creatures and He privileged us far above many of His Creatures (Qs 17:70) :") . He is indeed the Kindest of all. Therefore, in order to keep a promise myself, I do read a lot about it, I try to understand it, I even against my laziness and my mindset about not able to wake up at night to pray. Alhamdulillaah. You know, everyone has their time in reaching some point that probably will change their life. However, it depends on how and when you start doing the good deeds that probably would bring you to a better life. One thing for sure, when you have good deeds to do, do not postpone it, as you don't postpone joy as what Barney says 😆

Self Skill Development Project 101

Lately, I have been thinking about the after life. It somehow drives me to make the present times worth to live day by day. Pray, live, try as a human being. Being grateful by doing those three words sincerely and diligently. 

 

Anyway, I love making some projects in mind and put some deadlines for finishing them. Does it sound weird? This time, it is for my skill aspects. I call it Self-Skill Development Project. I have been wondering about what kind of skill that I want to develop. I mean, there are so many areas that i would gladly try, but i think i have to make it a little narrower. Honestly, as a kid, I didn't get a chance to explore a lot of things that would develop my self-potential, especially things related to what i realize now as my interest, art. 

 

I decide to do everything that I like to do and to make my heart content. Sometimes, art also can be stressful to do, right? I've seen some arguments, fights in art-world, especially about copyright. As i see, art is not really as free as what people said. Someone would complain here and there about their artwork being copied by others, or someone would really freely steal someone's artwork and claimed that those are theirs, or about the payment of the artwork that is not satisfying and any other problems. So complicated but that also makes art, arts. Anyway,  actually there are a lot of things that i would like to do in art forms and i try to fill my 7 days doing some of them. What i am doing in developing my self (slash) finding my inner hidden potential is by learning these challenging but entertaining things.

Music has always been my company, my healer, my friend, my everything. Without realizing it, i think i can't live without it. Every 24 hours, even minutes before i sleep or minutes after i wake up, music has always been there since i was a kid. I think it is my Aunt who brought me there as she is also a music enthusiast and was a cool bathroom singer. I want to contribute myself in and be in that environment therefore I chose to learn a musical instrument as I can't really sing well and i want to be able to create and write a song someday. I learned how to play piano by myself through youtube. So, if you are one of musician or someone who can really play piano, please upload your piano tutorial to your youtube, please. I'd probably learn one or two songs tutorial from your play :D/.

Writing has always been my comfort and war zone at the same time. I always think that one thing that i am positively capable to do in life is writing, despite what other people see and think. I always have a love-hate relationship with writing. Writing for me is like a process to talk and be honest with myself. I got so many things from writing and i lost so many things because of it, as well. So yeah, writing is like a south and north magnet in me. However, i learn doing what some people do right now, related to writing, it is lettering. Lettering is not easy. You may see it just as cursive writing but not. It needs patience in doing it with thick and thin methods. I have my diary books, making it like a journal (with fancy stickers, drawings, colorful pens or markers) but never had i did the lettering things on my books. So, for this year diary book, at least i want to do like what bullet journalist do.

Painting and drawing have always been my interest since i was kid. That's why i love visiting museums. Seeing someone's paintings, immersing on the paintings, trying to learn the meaning of the paintings and to finally understand it completely, isn't it a great feeling? Like you can communicate with the artist and feel their feelings while they create the art itself. I want to be like them. Be able to express mind and feeling without talking out loud, but they finally will understand or even get motivated by it. But it is effing hard. To find your style in doing that, to be one of a million who can create unique artworks. Moreover in this era. That's why i say art sometimes can be stressful. But, because i want to learn it, i learn it. This time, i still copying someone's artwork in instagram or pinterest. But who knows in some next year ahead? 

 

picture above : inspiration from pinterest 

 

picture above : inspiration from youtube "how to paint with himi gouache for beginner"

. 0

February has always been the shortest month ever. The feeling that time really flies fast on February and the fact that it really has the shortest days among all the month sum up that this month has run by. I took some days off from work, and it was the best decision i've made this year so far. Covid-19 is really pain in the ass. I mean, we can't go here and there freely and it somehow makes the boundary itself for us to experience things that we've never felt before (it happens to me, anyway). Once, my sister told me while scrolling her ig posts, "I almost forget how to spend days before this covid happened". And while i scrolled my ig post, i know that feeling too. I almost forget that the life before covid was great.

However, there are always silver linings in everything. In my case, because of the limitation (places and times), I am more aware to myself rather than before. I listen myself more, I have learned about myself more, and I think about myself more. For instance, when i took some days off this month, I really asked myself what i wanted to do, how i wanted my precious days spent, and think what i needed to do to gather up myself back. So, i went to the Anyer beach after like two years of not going to the beach -which i thought that i need that the most, I also did my medical check up (physically and mentally), I went to a new place that I haven't visited before and I learned doing new things which i am so glad i did that. 

There are always some days when it feels so burdensome and we feel like we want to give up and end up everything. Like the universe becomes the real hell. I have felt that way too. You know the feeling like you fed up of everything, wanted to vomit and wanted to quit of everything you start and do. Like you feel numb (at heart and mind), and wanted to do nothing at all. I've been there. People probably not knowing me having feel that way because i always put smiles and laugh and stand up like nothing happened. But deep down, it feels like we're in the bottom of the sea and can't swim up again. Like we're in the zero point. Kita ada di titik nol. I think it's very human to happen. Once, a psychologist said to me :

''It's very common. Like a curve. There is no way a curve will continuously goes up. There is a time when the curve goes up and down. When we feel like that, our curve is rising all the time, not being maintained properly, then falling drastically to its lowest point, the zero point. However, it's also okay to be there, we just have to climb up again slowly but steady. Well, that's the art of life."

We know ourselves more than anyone in this world. When we exhausted, instead of quitting or give up, it's better to take some days off. To take some rest. Listen to your heart, do what you really want to do. Anyway, I was asked to write a grateful journal everyday and to recite Istighfar every time. It may works to some of you too. One thing for sure, the important thing is ourselves. I am glad that the fact i learn so much in this month. Most of all, i am glad that I've tried everything to put myself first. Alhamdulillah. Let's have a happy and grateful soul, guys ! :)

Human Hands

This morning, I was listening to a song which was Human Hands by Sondre Lerche while watering my plants. It was not the first time I heard the song. I even have Sondre Lerche's songs playlist on my Spotify, which shows how I really love his music, include this one. I try singing it while a thought suddenly popped up in my mind. I think passion probably doesn't always about loving one or two specific objects. For instance, people may say that their passion is art as they love to paint, to sing, or to dance. I think in my case, passion could be like loving the process, which means it probably relates to some objects and in different aspects, for example not only art but also sport. In my case, I think my passion is doing something that using my hands in process of doing it. 

I have always been someone who has a big curiosity. I am always willing to learn something new, randomly. I tend to add new various skills that may useful for me. I learn to cook, I learn to bake, I learn to play the ukulele, I learn to play piano, I learn to sing, I learn to drive, I learn about stock, I learn new languages and the list goes on. But, I realize that I love doing something with my hand. I love cooking, I love writing, I love knitting, I love painting, I love gardening, I love playing piano and ukulele. For all of that, I love learning to sharpen my skills without feeling a burden at all, continuously. If love like that similar to passion, that's mine. 

To find ourselves is indeed an endless journey as time changes and moves, so do we. Furthermore, to find a little piece of ourselves helps us (or me, in this case) be more objective and open-minded. And realizing that we have so much potential in ourselves is a blessing. It's just the human hands that we talk about, in creating so many things. What if we use all of our five senses plus other body organs, imagine how powerful we will, what will we become and create by all of these God's gifts? Masya Allah :)

by the way, you can listen to the song here while reading this post, enjoy.